Are there
resources for asexuals and aromantics that try to explain what sexual and
romantic attraction are like? Or any people who experience either that are
willing to try to explain?(Warning
for bewildered rambling that may be disrespectful of queer individuals. I think
I don’t understand sexuality on a pretty basic level, so my questions are
probably ignorant and maybe rude.)Like, I
don’t really understand what makes a person NOT pansexual? Why are you
attracted to one gender and not another? Is it appearance? If it is, why do you
STOP feeling attraction when you find out that someone who looks like the
subset of people you are attracted to isn’t actually part of that subset? Or do
you? Like, if the attractive guy is actually a lady (or non-binary), are you
less attracted suddenly? What if someone is bigender? I mean, they’re the SAME
PERSON?! But do you feel different when they feel a different gender?And, I’m
really embarrassed to admit this, but I totally thought attraction must be
based on what private parts you preferred having sex with until recently.
Because I can NOT figure out why looking at a person would lead to a desire to
have sex or be romantic with them? I assumed it MUST have something to do with the type of sex you were hard-wired to enjoy. I only have an aesthetic appreciation for
people (with isn’t really based on their gender, I often think that someone
looks cool in a similar way to a building that I really like, or a mountain). And I slightly
prefer the idea of sex if the other person has a penis? It seems less icky??
But how are sex and gender and appearance and everything related?I realize
that sexual identity isn’t related to the privates of the person someone is
attracted to now. I’m just not sure what it IS related to.What makes
someone attractive? What makes someone not? I get that some people are more
attractive than other people. But if someone is physically attractive to you,
why does it matter what their gender is? Why do so many people’s pool of sexually
and/or romantically attractive people restricted to one gender?HOW DOES
ATTRACTION WORK!?!
I’m so
aromantic and asexual. -cries-Attraction is a mental state, so new info can flip the switch. I haven’t had my attraction to someone reversed by learning their true gender, but I’ve had it reversed by listening to them talk. Like wanting a fluffy cupcake but learning it’s stale.
Okay, it’s a bit shallow, but let me take the fluffy cupcake analogy even further.
Sex/attraction stuff is a kind of craving, kind of like treats that you eat when you’re not necessarily hungry. It’s not a technical need, per se, but the cravings can be very strong and vary from person to person.
You ever follow a food blog? You ever see muffins and cupcakes on your dash and see how pretty and delicious-looking they are? Know how that desire for the tasty looking treat grows deeper until you can imagine actually biting into it?
Now look at the ingredients list. Because that can change your mind. Imagine ingredients you don’t like are part of the recipe. Like sunflower seeds or licorice or poppy or whatever. You can still *see* that it’s pretty but you don’t WANT it now, because you know what you like, you know what experience you ultimately want out of the pretty thing, and you know that’s not it.
Sometimes you shrug and try it anyway. Sometimes that works out. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes you get something that looks very similar but has more of what you *do* like, and less of what you don’t baked in, but you gotta be patient and wait to run into that opportunity. There finicky eaters. There are gourmets. There’s a bajillion types in between.
Me, I see a boy who fits my aesthetic, and I want to maybe get a closer sniff of that particular cupcake. Then he opens his damn mouth. Football. Donald Trump. LICORICE. I can still see his pretty icing, the desire to take a bite has died down. I may later seek a boy with a similar look, but different ingredients.
But people of my own gender kind of feel like fruit cake to me. I know it’s popular with other people, and is a sweet treat to many, but it holds no personal appeal. I’m a cupcake person. But I can still appreciate the beauty and crafstmanship of of the pineapple up-side-down confection that shows up on my dash. I just don’t wanna eat it. Or make out with it, as the case may be.
It’s a mental state, a craving. And like all cravings, attraction is a finicky personal thing.
LOOK AT THIS!!!!
LOOK AT THIS BRILLIANT DESCRIPTION THAT SORT OF MAKES SENSE!
I can sort of imagine this? I mean, it is SO OBVIOUS that this isn’t how things work for me when I think of my husband, but it doesn’t seem quite as baffling.
THANK YOU GIDGE.
kiragecko 