Thanks so much for your question, darling! Romantic love differs for everyone, so a few
of the mods have come together to give you our opinions 🙂
What Defines Romantic Love?
Mod Joanna says:
Hi, love! I
appreciate this question, because it’s something I’ve been working out myself
for a long time. I’m demisexual, so I
really don’t experience physical/romantic attraction to anyone until I’ve built
a friendship with them. That’s always
made it difficult for me to separate romantic love from a strong friendship,
because for me, they’re nearly one and the same.
But since romance is a big part of my writing (and has been
for several years), I’ve learned much more about romantic love and how to
separate it (fictionally and in reality) from platonic love. In my experience, romantic love…
- Functions, at its base, like a strong friendship. The process of meeting a person, learning
about them, becoming attached to them, desiring to spend time with them –
these phases exist in all relationships.
Falling in love seems to happen faster, though, because it’s accelerated
by physical attraction.
- Includes physical attraction. Friends can be attracted to each other, but
romantic, prolonged attraction grows and develops over time. Affection tends to “blind” or warp one’s vision,
so that even mundane traits or actions can become attractive. Here’s
an LGF post on growing attraction!
- Accelerates physical intimacy. Romantic partners, after a certain amount of
time together, have decreased physical boundaries between each other. The safer two people feel around each other
physically, the more affectionate and comfortable they become. Often, couples start to think of each other
as physical extensions of themselves (which is why some couples feel
comfortable sharing drinks/gum/clothes etc.).
This can be stronger for – but is not exclusive to – sexually active
couples.
- Fosters a deep, absolute affection for a person’s strengths,
flaws, quirks, and humor. It gives a desire to be closer to that person – to know
them completely. Romantic love is a
long-term investment in someone’s hopes and dreams, and in helping them to
achieve those dreams. It’s a hope to
see someone grow in good ways, to protect them from bad things, and to make
them happy.
- Inspires growth and self-love. Feeling someone else’s affection and
investment both spurs healthier life choices and alters one’s image of
themselves. People in healthy relationships
are more likely to take better care of themselves, to be more ambitious and
confident, and to be more content in hard times.
Ultimately, though, the biggest difference for me is the falling-in-love phase. It’s much more rapid, and much less controllable than the beginning phase of a platonic friendship. In contrast, the later phases of romance – facing differences and staying in love – are more trying than in extended friendship. Being that intensely close to another person is a challenge as much as it is a pleasure. Don’t forget that.
Mod Gen says:
Hey! When I saw this question I immediately had a few ideas,
as I’m asexual
and demiromantic and relationships for me are primarily non-physical and
more about romance and friendship. For me, romance isn’t so different from
friendship – I’m in a relationship that also blurs the lines of being a QPR
(queer-platonic relationship). Our relationship started as a friendship and
slowly developed into more romantic feelings. In my opinion and experience,
relationships/romance that have a basis in friendship are usually more
successful/healthy. Usually, romantic partners are also friends, some more
so than others. For this reason, I would say friendship is equally, if not
more, important than romance in a lot of cases (in my humble opinion).
Showing that two characters who are in a romantic relationship are also
friends is very important. They should have some sort of chemistry, or
banter, they should support each other, etc. etc.
Okay, I’m about to get real sappy: for me, falling in love with someone is
beautiful. I can barely begin to put into words how much I care for my s/o,
how much I miss her when I’m not around, how I can almost feel a physical
ache when she’s not there, how much I want her to be happy. I know her like
I know myself (probably better, actually), and I just feel so calm when I’m
around her. She puts me at ease, and simply being with her can make me feel
so much better and improve my mood. We don’t even have to talk or interact.
My heart doesn’t flutter when I see her; it calms.
Mod Daenerys says:
Hey there! First off, I want to say that a strong, healthy
romantic relationship should also be a great friendship. In my opinion,
the best romantic relationships are built off of friendships – not to mention,
in fiction it is very easy to fall into the controversial love-at-first sight
trope, which it seems like you are trying to avoid. It is also my opinion that
we tend to place more value on romantic relationships than we do on
friendships, which are equally important, if not more important for some
people.
I’m asexual, and biromantic, so relationships in my case are
more focused on those friendship sort of aspects, whether romantic or platonic.
As for falling in love, I think it comes down to having someone that you want
to be deeply, deeply close to. You find yourself wanting to place their
happiness above your own, you start thinking in terms of ‘we’ instead of
‘I’…that sort of thing. A romantic relationship seems to me to be about
holding each other up, pushing each other to achieve your goals, while also giving
them the space and freedom to be themselves. Falling in love with someone is to
have them teach you something about yourself, about the world. There’s a
certain closeness there that I think is different from friendships, and this
can come through in very subtle ways.
In terms of why some people work better as
friends than lovers, I think it comes down to that level of closeness. Romantic
partners tend to make more collective decisions, they work towards goals
together, they may eventually want to build a life together. Yet, we all have
friends that we love very dearly, but we know that if we tried to take on a
task like that together we would be at each other’s throats – either because we
have different goals, we think differently, or we tackle problems differently,
to the point that we piss each other off. There has to be a willingness to work
through problems together, things that don’t always apply even in our closest
friendships.
I hope some of this helps you to make the distinction between romantic and platonic love, and to really explore romantic love in your fiction 🙂 If you have any more questions, be sure to let us know!
– The Mods
If you need advice on general writing or fanfiction, you should maybe ask us!
kiragecko 