“For as long as I can remember, I’ve been ashamed of what I do and don’t eat”
Tag: autism
How do you deal with ableist people?? I had one conversation with an Autism Mom who refused to listen and was super gross and I feel so upset that I couldn’t change her mind, almost like I failed her kid. How do you keep doing this in a world that doesn’t listen?
Sometimes I don’t. There are some days when I don’t get out of bed, can’t open my inbox, can’t read one more news story, can’t take one more step.
On those days I let myself feel it. The agony of knowing. The anger, the fear, the sense of failure, the weight on my shoulders. I let myself cry over old heartbreak and new hurts. I let myself rage and gnash my teeth. I feel it all. And then I make sure to come back.
I make myself tea. I read a story in which things change for the better and so do people. I watch something with a hopeful ending. I pet my cat. I read messages of thanks and encouragement from people whose lives I’ve touched. I go find examples of people doing good, and I remind myself about what Gandalf told Frodo, that there are forces besides the will of evil at work in the world.
This is what works for me. Some people need to keep moving steadily forward or suffocate. Some people hibernate and come back rested. Some people find strength in community, give and receive energy. Some people do what I do and give themselves time to feel it. And then we get back to it.
When we encounter a person or situation, confront it, we leave it changed. I don’t think any effort is ever for nothing. Our words can be seeds or a pebble in a shoe. We can be a signpost pointing to a path that was previously unseen. Even if someone doesn’t turn down that path, they know it’s there. One day they may return to it. The most important thing to remember is that the stories we pop in and out of will go on and span out far beyond us and that what you started will likely be finished by someone else.
And some people are just awful. Ignorant, callous, cruel. Some stories are too big and too established for us alone to change. But there’s power and value in standing up to those ones, too, and a chance that, in time, many could succeed where one failed. That’s when it’s heartening to have fellow activists backing you up. To remember that your words are a small, incredibly valuable contribution to the collective effort that changes the world.
You are not alone. Reach out, if you can, and you’ll hear how very many people feel just the same way. I find that comforting, myself. We’re not alone in this. It’s not all on me. It’s not all on you.
Fellow neurodivergent people, I encourage you to learn about neurodivergencies other than your own. It can be so helpful in learning coping strategies!
I have ADHD and generalized anxiety. Learning about Autism let me discover the joy of stimming, the usefulness of noise canceling headphones for hypersensitivity, and the fact that other people also go nonverbal. PTSD research talk me wonderful anxiety management skills. Reading about OCD helped me understand why I make lists, and now I allow myself that outlet when stressed.
Brain stuff is related. Symptoms and issues overlap. Solutions can work in multiple contexts. Also, some divergencies get more attention and research. Mine that research for things that can help you. Share with friends.
Everyone who could benefit should get to experience the release that flapping brings. It a wonderful way the express and manage emotion. Find out what works for you!
Hey, I was thinking today about autistic Bruce Wayne being hyperempathetic but alexithymic and nonexpressive. AKA, he feels more emotions than the rest of us but he doesn’t know what they are or how to make his face do the thing. (Autistic Bruce is practically canon at this point, imo, come on, social difficulties, Grey Ghost SpIn as a kid, criminal justice, mechanics, and bats as an adult, pro’ly stims by cracking his knuckles or something, I know I do.)(This is totally a trait Damian got btw.)
MY PAL!!!! YOU ARE SO SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! Autistic Bruce is s o f u c k i n g c a n o n it pains me
-On the outside: “Ah. Yes. That does sound upsetting.”
Inside: literally having nausea from emotions
-Dick is so good w/ Dami bc he’s been through all this with Bruce already.
-But also part of the issues they had when Dick was sixteen was due to Bruce being so Bad At Expressing.
-“I know you didn’t bring me back bc you like me.”
“I don’t…. not like you.” Bruce honey you are so fucking valid.
-“Damian. You’re… a pretty good Robin,”
“Tt. Though I will admit you are a fairly suitable guardian, Father.”
Dick in the background: “Aren’t you so proud of them, Alfie?”
Alfred: “Indeed, I’ve hardly seen them so emotional, not counting times of crisis.”
-Bruce: “You know, family is…. good.”
Jason: “What are you trying to tell me?”
Bruce: “I just told you.”
Dick, popping his head into the cave: “He’s telling you he loves you!”
Bruce: “Isn’t that what I said?”
-Wally: “Does he like… ever smile? Or frown? I’ve never seen him make a facial expression.”
Barry: “I once saw him looked scared bc Robin was in danger.”
Wally: :0!~~ amy (everyone’s favourite autistic 😉)
I was nervous, understandably. Humans had a remarkable, fearsome reputation. First contact with the human race had been when the Shianb research colony had selected a familial unit for study and the genetic-mother had torn her thumb from it’s socket in order to escape a binding, strangled a Shianb scientist guard with her bare hands, and violently killed any Shianb that had tried to stop her until she had retrieved her young and mate and then piloted the ship colony back to her home planet. It was a terror inspiring event, but one that was quickly shown to not be unusual. As we figured out how to speak and deal with the human’s peacefully, the InterSystemAlliance had adopted a human phrase directly into the ‘Language, Physiology, and Behavior of Inter Stellar Species Data Collection’: Don’t fuck with humans. Which oddly enough had a completely different meaning to the phrase “don’t fuck humans”.
Hirriib linguists were practically oozing excitement pheromones over the flexibility of the word ‘fuck’.
But I had managed to hire a pair of humans to my ship. Genetic-siblings they were, which ensured previously established pack bonds which were essential to human health, and one was a scientist as well as a weapons expert, a dual specialization common among humans. They were boarding today and I was excited and nervous, my cranial ingota flashing despite my efforts to keep myself under control.
With a trill of the automated doors opening, the humans stepped into the meeting room. They were tall, one ducking through the doorway and the other a length of their skulls shorter. The tall one had their dark cranial hair shorn off and was wearing a loose fitting torso covering with the words #redinstead written on it. Their eyes flitted around the room, never once looking at me directly while their hands made a rhythmic flapping gesture that seemed quite similar to my own habit of contracting my spinal spikes to soothe myself. That must be Danyell Jimson, the scientist and weapons expert. The shorter one had to be Damon Jimson, the hand to hand combat expert. He had impressive cranial hair that stood out from his head in dark, tight curls and pieces of metal inserted through the flesh of his brow hair and the cartilage of his ears in a display of fierceness. He was also wearing a torso covering that proclaimed #redinstead. I would have to query what that phrase meant and log it. He stepped forward and held his hand out in the traditional human greeting of ‘not immediately aggressive’ and clasped my paw gently which meant he was friendly. I held my paw out to the taller one, Danyell Jimson, but Damon Jimson held a large hand out to stop me.
“Don’t touch them.”
My ingota flashed with confusion and anger. “You are isolating them? Human’s require contact to strengthen pack bonds! That is cruel!”
Damon Jimson shook his head, a visual negative cue. “No, not all humans are comfortable with physical contact.”
Danyell Jimson was staring at my ingota and made several gestures with their hands that I was not familiar with.
“They want to know why your crest is changing colors.”
“It is my ingota. It is a visual communication of my emotions. How did they communicate with you? I was told that humans are not telepathic and do not communicate outside of my species’ auditory range?” I was flashing confusion again and Danyell Jimson was staring at my ingota with the hyper focus of a predator. I contracted my spinal spikes.
“It’s sign language, their hands are making words. It’s a visual communication language. Danyell doesn’t communicate verbally.”
“Amazing!” I blurted out, broadcasting awe and fascination. I had been unaware that humans communicated nonverbally beyond simple body language. The only other species besides my own with a form of visual communication beyond basic body language within the contacted solar systems was humans! I couldn’t suppress a flash of giddiness at the thought that my species held a similarity to the intimidating humans.
Danyell Jimson spoke with their hands again and Damon Jimson bared his teeth in a amused/friendly/pleased visual cue. “They said they’ll teach you ASL if you teach them what your crest colors mean.”
My ingota lit up with excitement. “This is excitement. I would be most interested in exchanging non verbal language knowledge with you, Danyell Jimson.”
Danyell Jimson tapped rapidly on their handheld device and held it to their head with the excitement color emanating from the screen, making a gesture with their other hand, a clenched hand with the ‘thumb’ pointing up, a visual cue for approval/excitement/agreement.
I mimicked the gesture with my paw, extending my prehensile dew claw in lieu of a thumb. I could tell that I would greatly enjoy developing a pack bond with Danyell.
This is only slightly related, but can anyone think of how an alien would react to a panic attack/sensory overload?
…..gimme a few days and I’ll see what I can do….
As much as I hate leaning on the ‘but muh autisms’ button, the Internet Justice status quo of “You must follow, to the letter, a bunch of social rules that are never codified, periodically changed with no indication and contradictory. Any deviation from these (completely hidden) rules – along with any requests to explain or other questioning – will get you at best dismissed and mocked as ignorant and at worst harassed perpetually with intent to make you commit suicide” is shockingly ableist and strongly echoes the kinds of bullying autistic kids face in school and other social situations.
And like many examples of Guess Culture (where the rules are unspoken and have to be inferred), it’s terrible for neurotypicals too.
oh hi it’s my entire problem with internet culture
InB4 the first “but it’s simple, you’re just crying ableism because you don’t want to make an effort”:
I mean, yes, something like “support queer people” looks simple… until you try to figure out what that means in each given situation. With the extra added fun that not all of us queer people agree on what it means!
Just look at a question like “should you ask everyone you meet for their pronouns?” Some queer people would unhesitatingly say yes, it normalizes non-binary pronoun use. Some would just as unhesitatingly say no, I don’t want to be put on the spot in public. Some feel it’s really situational. Some – or, well, I, anyway – think that whatever the effect might be for us queer people, it’s really not fair to our straight allies to demand they do this all the time when asking the wrong person could net them a beating.
And that’s just one of a hundred questions! So if you think “support queer people” is simple, it’s because you’ve already got a clear picture of how that’s done. Good for you! But a lot of people, including a lot of queer people, are going to have a very different picture.
And some people, including some queer people, don’t even come with the mental subroutines needed to hide from ourselves the fact we’re painting that picture – so even when it’s done, we’ll never have the comforting delusion that it’s the only true picture. We’ll always be uncertain.
Hey everybody! I’m a middle aged ADHD lady and most of my family is autistic. I spend lots of my life explaining stuff and find it fun.
Since this post is incredibly accurate, if anyone ever wants to ask me about internet etiquette, I’d love to attempt to help!
I can’t give rules about how to treat minority communities; but I can help translate unclear messages; explain confusing terms, and give advice about unwritten rules.
In return, I ask for patience for slow answer times. Sometimes I struggle with words.
Writing Autistic Characters: 50 posts from scriptautistic
Happy Nanowrimo! In honour of national novel writing month 2017 we
have put together this list of 50 of the most useful questions and answers
from our blog this year. We hope you find them useful – happy writing!-the scriptautistic mods
Meta
- Our masterpost list
- Finding an autistic sensitivity reader or beta-reader for your story
- How to research autism without falling for tropes
- How do I incorporate a character being autistic into the plot without making it be about them being autistic?
- Autism resources
Representation
- What sorts of characters would you like to see more of?
- What are common stereotypes about autistic characters?
- Do you have any advice to keep from infantilizing an autistic character?
- Is it ok to write ASD characters that are not loved and accepted straight away?
- Would it be bad if I make a non-human character autistic?
- How do y’all feel about a story about an autistic guy who grows to dislike his autism?
Comorbidities
- Similarities and differences between OCD and ASD
- What is the difference between down syndrome and autism?
- Encouraging abused children to stim again (effects of child abuse)
- Are autistic people more likely to get migraines?
- Tips for writing an autistic character in a psychiatric hospital?
- The effect of a mental breakdown on a character’s routines
Emotions and empathy
- What does hyperempathy feel like?
- What would a low-empathy character feel and do when trying to comfort someone?
- Showing love without saying “I love you”
- How would my character use facial expressions?
Sensory sensitivities
- What does understimulation feel like?
- How might a person with sensory sensitivities cope with living in an unpleasant environment?
- Can a character’s autistic traits change as they get older?
- How does it feel to have auditory processing disorder?
- Why would an autistic person might hit their head when overloaded?
Stimming
- How can I write stims?
- What does stimming feel like?
- What unobtrusive stims could my character use?
- Would a character stim differently depending on their emotions?
- What is the effect of repressing their stims?
Education
- Does autism give disadvantages for certain subjects at school?
- Is it realistic to send someone with autism to a special needs school?
Ableism
- Well-intentioned but rude neurotypical people
- Bad therapy
- Might a police officer consider an autistic person a threat if they were having a meltdown?
Communication
- What might cause my character to be temporarily nonverbal?
- What are some causes for an autistic person being nonverbal?
- Might my character use filler words like “um” and “er”?
- Could an autistic character pick up on sarcasm?
- Could you use signing to communicate with an autistic toddler?
Other
- Is it possible for a character’s family/friends to not suspect that the character is autistic until adulthood?
- A character’s friends asking them to stop infodumping
- How to write a sex scene with an autistic character
- What problems might my character have around keeping a pet?
- What could be some difficulties with being an autistic cop?
- Flying and being at the airport while autistic
Fun posts
Neurodivergent Body Language Cheat Sheet
Has anyone created one of these? I keep seeing cheat sheets popping up for neurotypical body language. They frustrate me, because they’re so inaccurate to me and my family. I know neurodivergent body language varies widely, even just inside one neurodivergency, but are there any summaries out there?
Any Autistic Body Language Cheat Sheets?
Any ADHD
Body Language Cheat Sheets?
Any Mentally Ill
Body Language Cheat Sheets?
I want to raise awareness that body language isn’t universal.
stimmy business
[Comic starts with a person who is glowing golden and flapping their hands. Little flowers seem to be fluttering out of their hands. Text:
When I get really excited about something, I stim by flapping my hands around.
They’re now in a crowd of grey silhouettes, and their hands are tight by their sides. While they’re still golden, there are no flowers: I I don’t do it in public though, because I get embarrassed.
They start taking big steps, the grey shapes moving slowly around them. Flowers and dragonflies flutter around them: Instead, I start walking really fast to try to stim it out in a way that’s less noticeable.
They’re running, a big smile on their face. Flowers and butterflies are a cloud of gold behind them: Sometimes there’s a little too much (smiley face)
End ID.]
You don’t have a bad kid.
Neither do I.
Does/did your kid:
- Attack teachers and throw things in class?
- When invited to a party, punch a kid and then run into the
establishment’s kitchen and start attacking stuff? - Refuse to listen to the bus driver?
- Run away from school and scream any time an adult came near?
(Many, many times?) - Scare the other kids to the point that they are out of class
more than they aren’t? - Hit other kids for no reason they can explain?
- Do complex math at home but refuse to do any school work at
school? - Require a full time EA, their teacher, the resource teacher,
and sometimes even the principal working together to calm them down about
perceived injustices?
That’s what the last two years have been like for my wonderful
son and I.
That’s what the next decade might have been like if the
school or my husband and I had decided he was a bad kid. My son was definitely
starting to think he was.
I’m not going to go in to everything we tried over the last
two years. My husband and I got parent coaching. The school requested every
specialist they had access to, and tried dozens of strategies. My son watched
social skills videos, and walked through how to respond to different situations
with every adult available. We changed doctors.
As I mentioned, it took two years.
Results:
- Our new doctor finally confirmed EVERYONE’S suspicion that he
had my ADHD (in addition to the autism we all knew about). She prescribed
Concerta. - Apparently, trying to do school work, getting distracted
after 10 seconds, refocusing, getting distracted after 10 seconds, and
repeating for hours a day, every day, is VERY FRUSTRATING. You get nothing
accomplished. It’s exhausting. Adults keep pushing you. Finally, you get to the
point where you Can Not repeat the futile cycle. Your EA insists you do. But failing
again is too awful, and you either scream, or throw things, or run away. - Now that he can focus for several MINUTES at a time, he’s a
lot happier and hardly ever lashes out. - We also discovered that he didn’t listen to the bus driver
because the guy would grab him and try to force him back into his seat. We
changed busses. - We got him a raised garden and let him tend it and play
outside in the mud all evening. While relaxed and happy, he’s slowly started to
interact with the next-door kids and get invited over. - The school provides fidget toys, headphones for noise,
rocking/bouncing chairs, a trampoline for when he needs to regulate, and so, so
much more. He uses them as needed, which is getting to be less and less often. - He’s jumped 7 reading levels in a month. He’s still a little
behind, but we remind him that the other kids have had a lot longer where they
could concentrate. - He’s doing the math work, and then doing actually FUN math
with his EA during transition times. Exponentials, multi-step algebra, division
of triple digit numbers – stuff like that. Before, he only did it with US. (He’s
in grade 1.) - When I tell him to have a good morning, he says, “I probably
will!”
I’m so, so proud of him, you guys. He’s worked so hard, and
finally he doesn’t HAVE to. He doesn’t have to work twice as hard to get one
tenth of the results.
Don’t think the worst of your kids. Believe in them. Figure
out the ‘why.’ As people get older, they can learn that bad behaviour gets them
what they want, and eventually they have to be held accountable. But kids, even
older kids, are almost always doing the best they can with what they got.
FIGURE OUT WHAT’S WRONG. Don’t tell them they’re bad, don’t give up on them or
force them to figure it out on their own.
If they lack empathy, teach them how to work around whatever
aspect of empathy they struggle with. If they’re angry, teach them to channel
it, and try to find and fix things causing that anger. Give them medication,
counselling, allergy-free diets, assistive tech – whatever is in your power.
(And I know that for a lot of people, some of these things aren’t in your
power. That’s not your fault.) Explain the extra challenges they have, so they
don’t blame themselves.
Above all, tell them that they’re good kids.





