[First image is a photo of a baby crocodile. There mouth is wide open, they look excited, and they are balancing 7 cheerios on their head.
Second image is fanart, with the quote, “anything is possible.”
Finally, I’ve added a page from the children’s book ‘Ten Apples Up On Top,’ by Theo LeSieg (aka. Dr. Seuss, aka. Theodore Geisel). The page shows a lion and dog glaring at a tiger. The lion has three apples balanced on their head. The dog has four. The tiger is throwing more up onto their head and crying,
[Video shows a fox inside the city. It’s been helpfully labelled “🦊Foxy🦊.”
(Fox head emojis on either side of the word ‘Foxy.’)
The fox disappears around a corner, but peaks back around to see if the videographer is following. We cut to it approaching the camera, getting close like it wants to be petted, and then –
Well, the videographer put down their backpack and various other items so that they could video the fox. One of these items is the wallet that the fox delicately picks up in it’s jaws. For a moment, the camera points at empty ground while it’s user processes what happened.
“He stole my fucking wallet!!!” shows up on the screen.
The video gets blurry and unstable as we chase the fox through a parking lot, around some bushes, across a street, and down a sidewalk.
We end the video with the fox in someone’s yard, trying to be nonchalant. Videographer is not tricked. The label “Guilty AF,” closes things off.
that is. a question guaranteed to start at least three nasty fights at any herpetology conference, but gila monsters and mexican beaded lizards are closely related and truly venomous.
there’s a lot of contention about the monitor lizard family, which seems to have some venom also but. there is debate.
Ah yes, SO MUCH ARGUING. In the 20 years I’ve been in love with komodos, scientists have changed their minds SO MANY times.
I am excited to see the new Previous Scientists Are Idiots articles, Bunjy! As of 2009, they’d gone back to “We Have PROVEN There Is Venom!” I hadn’t heard that they’d disproved it a second (third? nth?) time!
labradoodles are nice and all but combining the food obsession of a lab with the intelligence of a poodle creates the ultimate stealth unit whose sole mission in life is to get into the pantry and Eliminate All Bread
I’m detecting multiple stories behind this post
Or you get the intelligence of the lab and end up with a giant curly idiot who is too stupid for invisible fences to work. He can escape anything because he doesn’t remember pain or consequences. He can chew through metal leashes. His lack of intelligence makes him as powerful as the smartest of his brethren.
Another morph doodle! I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t itching to get this one drawn, because damn if I don’t love big draft horse bodies. They just reek of powerful grace, don’t they?
Anywho, this lovely lady’s a good example of what you’ll see in the Russian and Canadian subtype of falsicorn. I’m sure there are some little defining quirks between the two if you squint, but they all have a lot of shared traits, the most obvious and striking if which is really just how freakin’ huge they are. Harsh, nearly year-round winter conditions have developed them into mammoth creatures, with incredibly thick, sturdy bones, extremely dense coats, and a solid layer of insulating fat to keep their organs warm. They could probably make a Clydesdale look scrawny by comparison, and are, at least on average, the undisputed largest of all present day falsicorns.
As you might expect, the majority of fairly type specific genes have to do with hair growth. This particular individual doesn’t have it, but many possess a longer fur type that makes them look more like a giant Great Pyrenees than a horse. Lion-esque mane wrappings and “lynx cheeks” are also common (all of which are present here), which can manifest in varying degrees.
Don’t let the bulk fool you, either. Sure, they’ll never win any racing competitions with, say, a desert morph, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t entirely capable of chasing down humans (easily) on foot and then just bulldozing the poor sod flat. Their physical strength and prowess are damn near legendary, and needless to say, picking a fight with one would probably not end well.
As with all types, they can theoretically come in just about any standard horse color under the sun and then some, though washed out greys and whites (both warm and cool) are the most common. Their horns don’t generally grow very ‘long’ either, and wind up about as stout as the rest of them. Faces are also fairly draft-esque with a roman slope in their profile. Fangs tend to be thicker and longer than other morphs, with canines often visible (and prominent) even when the mouth is small. Potential for saber tooth genes, maybe? Awww yeeeeah.
Oh, and their tails and tail claws are also just stupidly thick and powerful, too. Trust me, you don’t want that thing swung at you; it could probably shatter a human femur easily in one blow.
Han’s world-building is AMAZING, you guys. This blog has stolen hours from my last week. Falsicorns are a fascinating low-key horror subject. Reminds me a lot of Neil Gaiman’s writing – beautiful, creepy, and incredibly immersive.
Check them outǃ
(Noteː I object to the suggestion that Canada has ‘nearly year-round’ winters. Snow is only FIVE months a yearǃ Below freezing temperatures are almost never more than 7 monthsǃ Even in the Northǃ ~winky face~ )
[Video shows 9 giant kites in the air. They look incredibly like octopi and their tentacles move realistically behind them as they seem to swim through the air.
Krsna – Nope, I don’t appropriate names of dieties.
Kkois – you have to roll the ‘k.’ I’m some sort of eerily beautiful tree-frog-thing.
Koena – Maybe a lynx? I am far more feminine than Actual-Gecko.
Koeis – Finally, the gecko form I have always longed for! Can be pretty, can be grubby, can hang from walls sticking out my tongue at people – my true self is at last free!
hey everybody, welcome to another amazing installment of Weird Biology and WOWIE ZOWIE do I have an odd one for you today!
this bizarre creature is among the largest of its kind, but bears hardly any resemblance to the rest of the family. (we’re sure this gets mentioned a lot at its family holiday dinners.) it has a real mouthful of a name and the spirit of a cranky old man about to whack you in the shin with his walker.
give it up for…
I’ll just give this image a moment to sink in.
(it’s also called the small-headed softshell turtle, because scientists are a bunch of mean highschoolers.)
seriously, I don’t even really know where to START with this guy. unlike the humble regular earnest hardworking turtle, the Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtle does not have an armored shell (hence the name). instead, its shell is soft and leathery. like a pair of well-broken-in Timblerland boots, except that the boots will not bite you.
oh, he is absolutely going to bite you.
this soft pliable shell cuts down on the turtle’s weight by a huge amount, making them far more agile in the water and faster on land than a conventional everyman turtle (this should make you worried). the flattened shape of the shell also makes them more hydrodynamic, making them faster in the water than you can possibly imagine.
for a turtle, I mean.
this is an important advantage, because the Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtle spends most of its life in the water. they live on the bottoms of sandy rivers across a wide area of central and southern Asia, where they reach sizes best described as fucking huge. adults can reach up to 45 inches (shell length only) and 260 fucking pounds (whole damn turtle).
their total body length can be over a meter. fuuuuuuuuck. a turtle that size needs a LOT of shoulder room, especially because the adults are a bunch of cranky ginormous chompmonsters. (can’t really blame them, I guess. I’d be irritable too, if my head was that small)
now imagine a cheesed-off 260-pound turtle swimming towards you at Mach Fuck.
Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtles are aggressive, and will attack anything they consider a threat (including humans, fishing boats, and probably also rocks). their primary attack is to just bite the fuck out of whatever is annoying them , but their secondary move is the one to watch out for.
when terminally pissed off, the turtle extends the full length of its surprisingly long neck and delivers a literal cannon headbutt. this attack has been documented as being powerful enough to damage fishing boats. imagine what it would do to your face. (nothing good. if you see this turtle winding up, run.)
the true face of terror.
when left to its own devices, the Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtle spends its time buried at the bottom of the river, waiting for its next meal to happen by. (which it can do almost indefinitely because softshell turtles can breathe underwater, holy shit.) once another animal smaller than itself passes overhead the turtle strikes, mortally wounding the prey with its nightmare bite (no joke, the first strike usually kills instantly. this is a creature capable of taking a chunk out of your leg). it’s a pretty solid gig, if you’re a lonely grumpmonster.
beats pumping gas all day, I guess.
in fact, the Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtle spends so much of its life underwater that we… don’t really know all that much about it. apart from the biting thing, I mean. the turtle has been very clear on that.
we’re not even entirely sure how long they live, though captive turtles have made it more than 70 grouchy, grouchy years. locals in India claim that in the wild individual river bastards can stick around for up to 140 years, which I am inclined to believe because these people fish for a living and they have to remember where the boat-sinking nightmare turtles live.
it’s only common sense.
despite its wide range, the Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtle is now considered Endangered. (note: this is not allowed. what would we replace them with? large cantankerous frogs? big passive-aggressive catfish? I DON’T THINK SO.)
this is primarily due to human hunting, as the turtles are consumed in huge number throughout Asia. (humans will eat anything.)
the government of India has now moved to protect the turtle, restricting trade and moving to conserve the species. we dearly hope this will be enough to save the grumpy frumpy river grandpa.
please stay with us forever, Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtle. we love your tiny tiny face and terrible attitude.
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thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.
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IMAGE SOURCES
img1- Wikimedia Commons img2- conservationindia.org img3-zoosrcool.wordpress.com img4- Joel Sartore img5- Turtle Survival Alliance img6- Turtle Survival Alliance img7- The TeCake img8- Joel Sartore
Fantastic! When the apocalypse occurs and I become the morally ambiguous monarch we all deserve, I’m filling my moat with them.
[Image summary:
First image says, “The Narrow-headed Soft-shell Turtle.”
The rest of the images show the turtles from different angles. They range in colour from grey to yellowy-brown. Some have darker spots or stripes.
Their backs have a wide, shallow shell shape covered by leathery skin, which continues past the shell edge over their heads and legs. Their legs look somewhat like empty gloves – wrinkly, shapeless masses with a few claws barely attached.
Their heads are very small, and their shells are much bigger, so their necks are weird collapsing cones … okay, I actually did a google search looking for alternate descriptions, but google agrees with me … their necks look identical to a penis’s foreskin. When at rest, their heads are retracted so that they are very close to their shell, but they can extend out quite a ways when headbutting/biting something. I really can’t avoid the comparison.
They have tiny bug eyes that seem to look in different directions, a weird little anteater nose, and a muppet mouth.
kiragecko 